An excerpt from 'Rooting for my SELF '
I am exploring the expression, once in common use, which went something like this; "How does one feel about going to the seaside today?" - The use of the term "ONE" is what I find curious. 'One could do this or one could do that" - "ONE" isn’t a term we generally use anymore. Was it more commonly used by the gentry? The more 'well spoken'? The educated? Now it's simply "you" or "I" – 'How are you today?' The "Oneness" has strangely disappeared and it seems to be reflecting the separateness we now take totally for granted and most likely most of us don’t even notice. The term is slipping from our language as it slips from our everyday consciousness. I am highlighting here, querying perhaps the seemingly missing part of our 'Selves' which used to be referred to as part of the 'One' or a part of 'The Royal We' - Another obsolete term. "How are 'we' today then?" I often heard people saying in my early years, now it's "How are 'You' today?" Have we forgotten who 'WE' really 'ARE' which is plural? The royal "WE" is 'me', my-'self' and 'I'. There is plenty of 'me' and plenty of the rationalizing 'I' but where exactly is my 'SELF'?
I am pretty certain that without acknowledging this part, which completes our 'Selves,' the 'Oneness' will be alluded and the 'we' as a self-supporting structure will never be whole.
GRACE
Throughout my life there has been a 'caretaker'. I've been looked after somehow. As a child I had a tremendous amount of freedom, my brother and I roamed wild most of the time, interacting with nature without a care in the world. It was different back then too because the adults didn’t seem to worry so much. There was a trust that 'all' would be well, and it was. The 'caretaker' wasn’t my mother, or my Nanny or the 'ahma' we had in Malaysia but a far more undefinable presence than that - Invisible, yet far more constant, far more caring even. I have come to know this caretaker as 'My Creator' perceived by me as "Grace".
A 'life-reader' once told me that I was surrounded by 'Grace'. That was no surprise because my whole life has been very 'Graced'.
A 'graced' life would ordinarily be called 'lucky' or 'fortunate', but luck is haphazard - sometimes in your life, sometimes not and fortunate sounds privileged in some special way, but the Grace which I feel is a gift that one gets from moving through life in a certain way. It is very illusive and like rhythm itself, it is impossible to put into words, define or capture. I perceive it as a 'flow', its like being in the 'flow of life'. Being in the flow of life creates Grace and Grace is a gift from the Creator.
My life has seemed gifted, given a certain flow I am able to move with. It's a simple dance and is created within the moment, it has no score. There is a trust that I and the dance are one. The music is coming from inside of me so I cannot go wrong. The steps I take are bound to be the right ones, if I remember to trust the oneness of 'my-self' and the rhythm of life.
I cannot be sure if this ability to live in Grace, in tune with the rhythm life, is learned or just not forgotten.
As children this flow, this joyful dance is very natural- as if children have an unseen but fully felt umbilical c(h)ord still attached to one's 'self' or undefined spirit through which confidence and knowledge of the dance still exists fully and is communicated through this channel still firmly in place.
To reconnect with this 'Source' shamans use the term 'The hollow Reid' - a part which is uncluttered and, a pure undefined channel through which source energy or spirit and pure communication can travel into our 'selves' and out into our world through 'us' - the 'royal "we"! Likewise mediums or psychics download this 'information' or 'Universal Law' from one 'world' into another by "Channeling". These 'receptors' are feeling centers, portals which we all have access to. My experience of 'Grace' is a fine dance between the portals of feeling - transferring information through our intuition - our inner-tutors which are still intact, to our living expression.
Grace is life. Grace is gifted to all who have life. Life is a gift and it is partly in this 're-remembrance that 'Life is a Gift' that Grace is able to come into play. The 'meaning' of the name Grace is “gift from God”.
The 'Universal Law' we all have access to - because we are alive, is not a library of words, rules and regulations it is an ocean of Feeling - only transcribed into words, once it is absorbed like osmosis through the portals, or feeling centers, we all inherently have. Once the 'feeling' is received through the portal of in-tuition - the feelings are put into words. Its a personal thing! It is a gift which is given to every person. We are all graced with this gift. We are all the arms and legs of The Creator. We can all dance to this great rhythm of life, and because the rules only come in simultaneously at the moment of reception, the interpretation and the movement which ensues is also without flaw.
This flawlessness is 'Grace'.
To live in a flawless world, this must equate to living in a state of 'Allowance'.
Perhaps we have fallen out of 'Grace' as a species because we have invested in fear instead of love. This sounds simplistic but when our cumulative behaviour is broken down, it is obvious to me that we are living from a state of fear, a state of separateness, we have forgotten who "we" are, as a 'whole', as a living 'dependent' organism. Like most species we cannot survive alone, and of course we don't survive alone - (extraordinarily that 'alone' is also its opposite with the extra addition of a single letter 'l' - all-one) so the aloneness element is an illusion created by fear - fear that the 'other' will somehow be able to detract from 'us' if invested in.
The dichotomy of aloneness has coerced us into forming gangs, borders, separate religions, which on one hand acts as an umbrella, safeguarding us from outside attack but at the same time creates the attacker! If the wall of separateness was not created and put there in the first place, that 'separateness' would not exist. If the barriers were not there we would move freely from one to another.
Many would blame it on the 'Ego' - a massive topic - this 'entity' so dominant in our lives could be the root cause of all our misery, yet at the very same time, the enabler, for the gift of life in this body, this channel, this portal to experience and express the Joy of it all - hooray for the 'Ego' which supports and protects our lives! The ego is an essential part of the wholeness, forming a part of the eternal polarity within which we cannot escape, but can begin to thrive.
Polarity has no real beginning nor end, yet it has distinct opposites. Where do they start? where is the beginning of one thing and the ending of another? These beginnings or endings do not exist, they merge through the illusion of separation. Separation is only personal perception. An 'Idea'. Polarity is circular and has no fixed beginning or end, it's an individual experience. Polarity is choice. Polarity is life. We can choose 'Love and oneness' or 'fear and separateness' or of course we can choose 'Grace' which rides both states, surfing the bobbing wave with peaks and troughs, with acceptance and trust and allowance and enjoying every moment as each and every one emerges from this 'source' which by its very nature is 'nurture' and totally fulfilling.
Tune into this 'source' and use it like a divine umbilical cord or surf board, which guides, protects and sustains from beginning to end!
Which of course don’t really exist! - the beginning or end that is - Ah me!
Enjoy the ride.
SOURCE = yummy stuff which makes a boring meal (or life!) sumptuous, rich, different, creative, Moorish, enjoyable,. It is the missing ingredient in so many lives and so much more!
To Be Al one . . . . . .
Through subtle osmosis I must have absorbed the the deep mindset of many of my ancestors who were doctors, vicars and farmers. Though I remember as a young person I was determined to be aloof from all this 'expected' interest in Relatives and to Family. I didn’t know who they were, I had very little contact with any of them - mostly because we led a nomadic lifestyle for many years and then I was 'sent away' to boarding school only to have the occasional visit with people I was expected to feel some affinity with but actually felt little more than awkward estrangement. I was in another world. Looked after by a force I was unable to identify or verbalize. I had a love Interest I was unable to share. Maybe being 'Gay' feels like this?
The ancestral genes, I've since discovered, were obviously downloaded way before I realised I had very little say in it all. I was fiercely independent and determined to be individual and totally original. This fierceness was most likely a rebellion against the upbringing and societal norm of being 'seen and not heard'.
I actually presented with a rather mousy, quiet, yielding personality which afforded me a platform on which to cultivate humility, compassion and a screen behind which I could observe my estranged fellow man, about whom I had a deep fascination and curiosity.
Profound questions like "what is this thinking process?" How does it all work? who am I in relation to you? Is this world really an illusion, and what did it all mean anyway?" No one else seemed to care that much, so my questions were mostly directed inward.
This inward dialogue with my-"self" was like having a 'secret friend' a concept I was never able to relate to as a child, though in retrospect I suspect my talking to my "self" could equate to children who have special invisible friends whom they talked to as if they were outside of themselves and clearly seen, yet invisible to everyone else. To them this was perfectly normal, and when a child, this (illusion) is perfectly acceptable, but as adults this kind of imagination is considered insanity!
Maybe its OK. to 'own' the illusion or call it something else. Its extraordinary how we are so susceptible to judgement and suppression of what we really experience in consequence. As a society we are encouraged to deflect our 'Selves', the communication we have with 'us', onto something else outside, as if its not acceptable to be actually creating it within us, which for the most part I suspect and personally believe we are – some refer to this as 'channeling' from an outside source, as if a reluctance to claim this wisdom or knowledge as truly their own.
At boarding school I was surrounded by 350 other girls and a handful of female teachers and matrons yet I felt isolated. When we played 'Horses' in the "Golden Wood" or went on long walks searching for "Autumn tints" - berries, mosses and autumnal flowers and leaves we collected to decorate the hall in celebration of the coming of winter, I felt connected to everything. Somehow this "aloneness" opened itself to a new feeling of "all-one-ness" and it felt wonderful. It was as if I felt connected to everything within nature, yet this connection didn’t easily extend to my fellow man, in any visible way, nor through any communication I had – words were far too inadequate. I longed to "sing the glories!" of life, but there seemed to be no simple channels for that except through religion.
Although I didn’t know it at the time, the communing with nature, admiring the beauty, becoming the horse, feeling the natural world coursing through my veins in a form of unity was like worship in itself, possibly much more 'Pagan' than Christian - Earth centred, less patriarchal. But Through this experience I felt as 'Love' without words, I was drawn to the only thing which resonated on this level in the routine focused day I was experiencing then, which was the lesson 'Divinity' (such a beautiful title for a class, sadly no longer used) which taught us young people the bible stories of Jesus. It all spoke to me, I intuitively understood each and every parable, I knew where Jesus was coming from and I felt I had made my 'special friend' who understood my Joy at last!
My questions became -'Why has it all become so complicated? why so much confusion? why so much pain? so much frustration and loneliness when there is all this! All this potential, all this ability to create, why have we become so lost?
I am exploring the expression, once in common use, which went something like this; "How does one feel about going to the seaside today?" - The use of the term "ONE" is what I find curious. 'One could do this or one could do that" - "ONE" isn’t a term we generally use anymore. Was it more commonly used by the gentry? The more 'well spoken'? The educated? Now it's simply "you" or "I" – 'How are you today?' The "Oneness" has strangely disappeared and it seems to be reflecting the separateness we now take totally for granted and most likely most of us don’t even notice. The term is slipping from our language as it slips from our everyday consciousness. I am highlighting here, querying perhaps the seemingly missing part of our 'Selves' which used to be referred to as part of the 'One' or a part of 'The Royal We' - Another obsolete term. "How are 'we' today then?" I often heard people saying in my early years, now it's "How are 'You' today?" Have we forgotten who 'WE' really 'ARE' which is plural? The royal "WE" is 'me', my-'self' and 'I'. There is plenty of 'me' and plenty of the rationalizing 'I' but where exactly is my 'SELF'?
I am pretty certain that without acknowledging this part, which completes our 'Selves,' the 'Oneness' will be alluded and the 'we' as a self-supporting structure will never be whole.
GRACE
Throughout my life there has been a 'caretaker'. I've been looked after somehow. As a child I had a tremendous amount of freedom, my brother and I roamed wild most of the time, interacting with nature without a care in the world. It was different back then too because the adults didn’t seem to worry so much. There was a trust that 'all' would be well, and it was. The 'caretaker' wasn’t my mother, or my Nanny or the 'ahma' we had in Malaysia but a far more undefinable presence than that - Invisible, yet far more constant, far more caring even. I have come to know this caretaker as 'My Creator' perceived by me as "Grace".
A 'life-reader' once told me that I was surrounded by 'Grace'. That was no surprise because my whole life has been very 'Graced'.
A 'graced' life would ordinarily be called 'lucky' or 'fortunate', but luck is haphazard - sometimes in your life, sometimes not and fortunate sounds privileged in some special way, but the Grace which I feel is a gift that one gets from moving through life in a certain way. It is very illusive and like rhythm itself, it is impossible to put into words, define or capture. I perceive it as a 'flow', its like being in the 'flow of life'. Being in the flow of life creates Grace and Grace is a gift from the Creator.
My life has seemed gifted, given a certain flow I am able to move with. It's a simple dance and is created within the moment, it has no score. There is a trust that I and the dance are one. The music is coming from inside of me so I cannot go wrong. The steps I take are bound to be the right ones, if I remember to trust the oneness of 'my-self' and the rhythm of life.
I cannot be sure if this ability to live in Grace, in tune with the rhythm life, is learned or just not forgotten.
As children this flow, this joyful dance is very natural- as if children have an unseen but fully felt umbilical c(h)ord still attached to one's 'self' or undefined spirit through which confidence and knowledge of the dance still exists fully and is communicated through this channel still firmly in place.
To reconnect with this 'Source' shamans use the term 'The hollow Reid' - a part which is uncluttered and, a pure undefined channel through which source energy or spirit and pure communication can travel into our 'selves' and out into our world through 'us' - the 'royal "we"! Likewise mediums or psychics download this 'information' or 'Universal Law' from one 'world' into another by "Channeling". These 'receptors' are feeling centers, portals which we all have access to. My experience of 'Grace' is a fine dance between the portals of feeling - transferring information through our intuition - our inner-tutors which are still intact, to our living expression.
Grace is life. Grace is gifted to all who have life. Life is a gift and it is partly in this 're-remembrance that 'Life is a Gift' that Grace is able to come into play. The 'meaning' of the name Grace is “gift from God”.
The 'Universal Law' we all have access to - because we are alive, is not a library of words, rules and regulations it is an ocean of Feeling - only transcribed into words, once it is absorbed like osmosis through the portals, or feeling centers, we all inherently have. Once the 'feeling' is received through the portal of in-tuition - the feelings are put into words. Its a personal thing! It is a gift which is given to every person. We are all graced with this gift. We are all the arms and legs of The Creator. We can all dance to this great rhythm of life, and because the rules only come in simultaneously at the moment of reception, the interpretation and the movement which ensues is also without flaw.
This flawlessness is 'Grace'.
To live in a flawless world, this must equate to living in a state of 'Allowance'.
Perhaps we have fallen out of 'Grace' as a species because we have invested in fear instead of love. This sounds simplistic but when our cumulative behaviour is broken down, it is obvious to me that we are living from a state of fear, a state of separateness, we have forgotten who "we" are, as a 'whole', as a living 'dependent' organism. Like most species we cannot survive alone, and of course we don't survive alone - (extraordinarily that 'alone' is also its opposite with the extra addition of a single letter 'l' - all-one) so the aloneness element is an illusion created by fear - fear that the 'other' will somehow be able to detract from 'us' if invested in.
The dichotomy of aloneness has coerced us into forming gangs, borders, separate religions, which on one hand acts as an umbrella, safeguarding us from outside attack but at the same time creates the attacker! If the wall of separateness was not created and put there in the first place, that 'separateness' would not exist. If the barriers were not there we would move freely from one to another.
Many would blame it on the 'Ego' - a massive topic - this 'entity' so dominant in our lives could be the root cause of all our misery, yet at the very same time, the enabler, for the gift of life in this body, this channel, this portal to experience and express the Joy of it all - hooray for the 'Ego' which supports and protects our lives! The ego is an essential part of the wholeness, forming a part of the eternal polarity within which we cannot escape, but can begin to thrive.
Polarity has no real beginning nor end, yet it has distinct opposites. Where do they start? where is the beginning of one thing and the ending of another? These beginnings or endings do not exist, they merge through the illusion of separation. Separation is only personal perception. An 'Idea'. Polarity is circular and has no fixed beginning or end, it's an individual experience. Polarity is choice. Polarity is life. We can choose 'Love and oneness' or 'fear and separateness' or of course we can choose 'Grace' which rides both states, surfing the bobbing wave with peaks and troughs, with acceptance and trust and allowance and enjoying every moment as each and every one emerges from this 'source' which by its very nature is 'nurture' and totally fulfilling.
Tune into this 'source' and use it like a divine umbilical cord or surf board, which guides, protects and sustains from beginning to end!
Which of course don’t really exist! - the beginning or end that is - Ah me!
Enjoy the ride.
SOURCE = yummy stuff which makes a boring meal (or life!) sumptuous, rich, different, creative, Moorish, enjoyable,. It is the missing ingredient in so many lives and so much more!
To Be Al one . . . . . .
Through subtle osmosis I must have absorbed the the deep mindset of many of my ancestors who were doctors, vicars and farmers. Though I remember as a young person I was determined to be aloof from all this 'expected' interest in Relatives and to Family. I didn’t know who they were, I had very little contact with any of them - mostly because we led a nomadic lifestyle for many years and then I was 'sent away' to boarding school only to have the occasional visit with people I was expected to feel some affinity with but actually felt little more than awkward estrangement. I was in another world. Looked after by a force I was unable to identify or verbalize. I had a love Interest I was unable to share. Maybe being 'Gay' feels like this?
The ancestral genes, I've since discovered, were obviously downloaded way before I realised I had very little say in it all. I was fiercely independent and determined to be individual and totally original. This fierceness was most likely a rebellion against the upbringing and societal norm of being 'seen and not heard'.
I actually presented with a rather mousy, quiet, yielding personality which afforded me a platform on which to cultivate humility, compassion and a screen behind which I could observe my estranged fellow man, about whom I had a deep fascination and curiosity.
Profound questions like "what is this thinking process?" How does it all work? who am I in relation to you? Is this world really an illusion, and what did it all mean anyway?" No one else seemed to care that much, so my questions were mostly directed inward.
This inward dialogue with my-"self" was like having a 'secret friend' a concept I was never able to relate to as a child, though in retrospect I suspect my talking to my "self" could equate to children who have special invisible friends whom they talked to as if they were outside of themselves and clearly seen, yet invisible to everyone else. To them this was perfectly normal, and when a child, this (illusion) is perfectly acceptable, but as adults this kind of imagination is considered insanity!
Maybe its OK. to 'own' the illusion or call it something else. Its extraordinary how we are so susceptible to judgement and suppression of what we really experience in consequence. As a society we are encouraged to deflect our 'Selves', the communication we have with 'us', onto something else outside, as if its not acceptable to be actually creating it within us, which for the most part I suspect and personally believe we are – some refer to this as 'channeling' from an outside source, as if a reluctance to claim this wisdom or knowledge as truly their own.
At boarding school I was surrounded by 350 other girls and a handful of female teachers and matrons yet I felt isolated. When we played 'Horses' in the "Golden Wood" or went on long walks searching for "Autumn tints" - berries, mosses and autumnal flowers and leaves we collected to decorate the hall in celebration of the coming of winter, I felt connected to everything. Somehow this "aloneness" opened itself to a new feeling of "all-one-ness" and it felt wonderful. It was as if I felt connected to everything within nature, yet this connection didn’t easily extend to my fellow man, in any visible way, nor through any communication I had – words were far too inadequate. I longed to "sing the glories!" of life, but there seemed to be no simple channels for that except through religion.
Although I didn’t know it at the time, the communing with nature, admiring the beauty, becoming the horse, feeling the natural world coursing through my veins in a form of unity was like worship in itself, possibly much more 'Pagan' than Christian - Earth centred, less patriarchal. But Through this experience I felt as 'Love' without words, I was drawn to the only thing which resonated on this level in the routine focused day I was experiencing then, which was the lesson 'Divinity' (such a beautiful title for a class, sadly no longer used) which taught us young people the bible stories of Jesus. It all spoke to me, I intuitively understood each and every parable, I knew where Jesus was coming from and I felt I had made my 'special friend' who understood my Joy at last!
My questions became -'Why has it all become so complicated? why so much confusion? why so much pain? so much frustration and loneliness when there is all this! All this potential, all this ability to create, why have we become so lost?